One Vibration

One Vision - One Vibration

First, my apologies for my initial post being so self-centered and giving reference the many bad attributes of my past. The information to follow is really personal, but, I don't know where else to reach out to. Many of those in my 'material circle' think I'm losing my sanity. But, here goes anyhow. I've recently had an event happen which has stirred my soul. I’m not sure the meaning and would like any input or opinion. To give history to the recent event, I must first tell a story of the past.
I will begin 27 ½ years ago. I had just turned 17 in October and the month was December when I was introduced to a girl of but 14, not to turn 15 until March 29. This was an unthinkable age difference to begin a dating relationship with the mind-set that I was a high school senior and she was only in 9th grade. We did, however, become very close friends and spent hours in close conversation. As the months went by, we began to become more intimate but never consummated the relationship.
Our introduction first occurred by her best friend who was dating a good friend of mine. The four of us spent much time together and there came a time when the 2 friends asked if she (Tonya) and I would like to skip school with them. Of course she and I fell into the temptation. We had a wonderful day together. She and I lay under tall pines on a thick carpet of pine needles and nestled together in one another’s arms.
We were seen that day and her brother promptly reported to her father that Tonya had been with me. I was known for my partying ways and her father called me later that evening to inform me that if he ever caught word of our seeing one another he would see me dead. At that age, fear really didn’t come into play, however, Tonya was placed on a lengthy restriction (3 months if I remember correctly) and prohibited from using the telephone. She did continue to call and we would see one another when possible.
During this time, I began to feel a great deal of pressure over the hardships Tonya was enduring because of my presence in her life. I also began to reflect over the fact that I was about to graduate and had already enlisted into the Navy. I knew it would be difficult for us to remain with one another and felt the stigma of myself as ‘an adult’ dating a girl just beginning high school. I also felt that we would never be able to remain faithful through her remaining years in school. Since we had not been sexually active, I finally called her and told her that we must break up. This was hurt her deeply and she insisted otherwise. I held my ground over the issue and continued on in life.
A week and a half later, on a Saturday afternoon in April or May, she called and asked if I would meet with her. I was working on my car and refused. She continued to call back and finally I felt that I needed to see her in person and tell her face to face my feelings. In an attempt to discourage her, I took no shower and left covered in grease and grime from my car.
She was in the company of several friends, but, as soon as I arrived they vanished. Tonya and I sat in my car and talked for a couple of hours. We began to hug and kiss which led quickly to passion and that night, we both lost our virginity.
We left to go to a party that her friends were at and upon arrival, I felt extremely uncomfortable. I knew very few people there and was still covered in grease. Knowing that her friends would give her a ride home, I faced her and told her that even though we had stepped to the next level, we still had to part ways. I remember her just staring blankly as I walked away. We didn’t speak again for 16 years.
In the years to follow, my life went awry. Eight months after the breakup, I received a DUI and was never allowed to enter into the Navy. I have only been told in the past couple of days that when my parents retrieved me from jail that night, I begged them into taking me to Tonya’s house where my mother said we just parked on the street and I cried. From that point, my life spiraled out of control and alcohol consumed my every waking activity.
After 2 more DUI’s and a multitude of other charges, I finally had a realization that if I didn’t straighten up, my life would be ruined. On July 9, 1997, I entered the rooms of AA and have remained deeply involved in that program for the past 12 years. My life has turned completely around. I worked for and received my nursing license, a class A CDL license and have had a fairly successful development business. I have taken on other jobs, which have been richly rewarding, and I began dating a really wonderful lady 10 years ago. However, I have never felt complete.
Just after I began in AA, I was speaking with one of the senior members and he was bragging of his friendship with one of the girls in the program. This beautiful lady was the former best friend of Tonya and I couldn’t help but tell him that I had known this girl since high school. When asked how I knew her, I told of Tonya. His eyes came alive and he said, “Tonya! She’s the receptionist where I work!” Nothing more needed to be said. That was the end of August or the first of September exactly 12 years ago.
Fresh off the streets and having no car, no job and very little money, I borrowed my dad’s car, bought a dozen yellow roses and without any knowledge of her status, rushed to see her. When I walked through the door, her eyes lit up and she came around her desk. We spoke briefly and I apologized for the way I had treated her so many years before. She acted as if it was of no consequence and I gave her my number. She told me she was married, but, before I parted, I asked her to call me if anything changed or if she ever needed to talk. That was the last I have seen of her.
Two years later, I began dating the lady that I’m with now. She and I have had a very unstable relationship and 8 years into it, she left me and drove 500 miles to see her high school sweetheart. She returned within a week, asking my forgiveness and we continued on in misery. She has continued to make contact with this sweetheart and our relationship has fallen apart. We have been trying to decide how to divide things and part ways, but, we have continued to live together.
Back to Tonya. After I saw her 12 years ago, I would occasionally ask her former best friend of any news of Tonya. After a couple of years, her friend told me that Tonya had a stroke due to drugs or alcohol and had been left blind in one eye. After that, she would tell me that she never heard from Tonya and I haven’t seen the best friend in 4 or 5 years.
Three weeks ago I was out browsing at homes for sale, looking specifically for ones with for sale by owner signs. I was drawn to a certain area and found a home on (of all streets) Sunshine Lane. That house had particular interest for me. It was perfect for my equipment and a small creek bordered the back of the property. But, there seemed to be something else about it. I called the number and was greeted by a generic, synthesized voicemail at which I left my name and number.
That was a Saturday and the following Saturday, I had not heard back. I drove out to the home again to see if it was still for sale and saw that the sign was still in place. There was a truck in the drive this time so I decided to call back. I was greeted by the same voicemail and left another message. I inquired again and headed home. Within minutes, my phone rang and the gentleman on the other end agreed to meet the following Saturday to show the house.
I met with ‘Tim’ the following weekend and toured the house. He spoke of living there alone, but, while showing me the walk-in closets, I noticed women’s clothing and shoes. Chills ran down my back and I physically shivered. I couldn’t understand the feeling I had. I talked with Tim for about an hour and a half and toward the end I asked him why he was selling such a nice home. He told me that he was ‘on the downhill side of a divorce’. I offered my sympathies and we concluded the tour.
I returned home evening I went to my computer and pulled up the property appraisers site. I entered the address and began to look at the values and property dimensions. I scrolled to the bottom of the page where it listed the owner. At the top of the page it had listed Tim Allen and Tonya, however, at the bottom, her full name was listed and I immediately recognized her maiden name. I lost my breathe.
After recovering, I scrambled across the internet and began to search as much information as possible. I found that 12 years ago when I had last seen her that she was going through a divorce, which became final that October. She remarried that man and they divorced again a year later. I also took note of the incredible amount of judicial activity she had incurred over the past 5 year. 2 DUI’s, driving without license charges and domestic violence cases. The first DV case was her as the victim.
There had been a DUI about 18 months ago and she had been sentenced to 340 days incarceration which would have had her being freed sometime this past May or June. On July 11 of this year, she was arrested for DV and her court date is set for Sept 17th. The divorce hearing is set for the following week.
I feel like I’m stalking her at this point and do not want to cause her further grief during this trying time, however, I can’t just walk away again. I went to her parents’ home this past Monday and gave them a brief history and my number and asked them to have her to please call me. That night, I began to put pen to paper and the following morning, I went back to her parents and gave a 5 page letter to her father. I told him that I didn’t want to seem like some lunatic, but, I felt it was important that she and I talk. I didn’t want to ask where I could find her but did ask how she was. He replied that she was okay, that he and her mother hadn’t seen her, but, they had talked to her. His reply made me feel that possibly she is in a treatment facility.
I feel as if I’m losing my mind and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose contact with her again. I feel like I have enough recovery to at least be able to be there as a friend for her. I really feel that she was placed before me 12 years ago and I failed to follow through. This time, I feel an overwhelming compulsion to talk with her. I feel that there needs to be healing for both of us. I do not want to see this poor girl suffer any longer. I have felt that my treatment during the breakup may have damaged her self-image and that I need to let her know that there is nothing wrong with her.
I became so uncomfortable around my current relationship that I moved out to keep her from suffering through knowing that I was ‘up to something’. I want Tonya’s parents to use their best discretion in passing my messages along to her, however, I am fearful that they may not. I want to see her so badly that I’ve considered going to the courthouse on the day of her trial. Her husband knows my face, but I don’t think he realized the connection. I certainly didn’t. I don’t want him to notice me and have that cause problems for her divorce the following week. For all I know, Tonya may have found another boyfriend since her release from jail and may have moved away. I don’t have enough information and don’t know what I should do at this point.
There seems to be a numerology connection with this with 12's being significant. Also, I seem to circle closely to her when she is in the midst of marital turmoil. This is a community of about 175,000, so for me to so randomly find her is, to me, incredible. We live in completely different areas and have no common connections. Did I 'throw away' my soul mate so many years ago?
If you have any suggestions or feelings, I would appreciate any input.
Thank you, Paul

Quick Update: I walked into a floral shop this afternoon, nowhere close to Tonya or her parents home, thinking that it might encourage Tonya's parents to pass on my contact information if they began receiving a monthly bouquet and note letting her know that a friend was still waiting. The shop owner, whom I've never met, sat with me for three hours as I told her my plight. During this 'chat' I learned that the shop owner spends a great deal of time at her sisters home. Her sister, incredibly, lives just a few houses (maybe a block) away from Tonya! She said she thinks she had also been in Tonya's house while it was being constructed! Upon showing her Tonya's picture, she exclaimed that she knows Tonya! She said she wasn't certain whether Tonya had been in her shop or if she recognized her from being in her sister's neighborhood. Lastly, one of her friends owns the local female treatment facility where Tonya would probably be residing. More coincidence? All of this on 9-9-09.....
Another update: Sorry to make this my personal journal, but I just wanted to add to the story. I've had several discussions with Tonya's parents and aunt and have found that she is not in treatment as I first 'assumed' (there's that word!). But, her soon to be ex is trying to serve her with certain court documents that her attorneys do not want to be placed into her hands. Basically, her family has her in hiding and I have told them and they firmly agree that I do not need to know where. In my emotional state, I'm sure that I would compromise her whereabouts. I wouldn't be able to resist. I would only be a further complication at this time.
Her parents are only visiting her every couple of weeks to prevent anyone from following them to her. They have had an incredible number of privately hired individuals coming by to try and find her. The first visit I made to their home was at 10 AM Monday, Sept. 7th. A few days later as I spoke with them, they divulged that 2 others had been there that same day 'looking' for Tonya and they had suspicions that I was a third. Anyhow, time will tell how this is to unfold. Thank everyone for prayers and support.

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12 in the "I ching" is stand still/ stagnation. I believe that this is a warning

I know one thing your intuition all though years ago may have been Correct, your relationship at that point may have been conducive to unnecessary suffering for both of you, Some times soul mates live several lives together, and not always as lovers, but some times it is necessary to part ways to find our selves in a life or 2.

IF you want to presue a relationship with this person i suggest you start with healing, and by that i mean suggest AA, start off as her sponsor, be a spiritual light for her.. but be carefulle of the traps of Compassion, A truly compassionate person will sit with toughs in suffering, not to take away or release their pain, but to provide support while they are moving through something difficult.

As far as the "I Ching" goes it is extremely accurate and intuitive, this could be a warning on how fast you should move with your relation ship. and that means don't attach, attachments are the cause of suffering.

Romance can be stagnation, especially when one is dealing with past life karma.

Again Let healing take is place, but be carefully of getting in the way of that healing. if a romantic relation ship is destined between the two of you, you must realize that its in the future after the healing....

Imagine if you had married your soul-mate in this life and both became alcoholics together, your stagnation would be irrecoverable. But in this case you have risen to a point where you can give that support... Before we enter this life we choose the mistake we are going to make, Alcoholism and drug addiction is one of thoes choices..

I assure you if she is still clinging to alcohol in a romantic relationship, you are going to suffer for it unnecessarily. But this does seem like your intuition is pushing you to make the first steps in long ROCKY journey.

Be there for her, be cautious, me compassionately sportive, but be firm, and be aware, Help her find the root of her suffering... help her to accept her suffering... help her to grow from the experiences She has had in this life. After she comes to the realization of her growth, then you might get a push for higher relationship that will be stronger than Steal.

We don't live lives on this plane of existence to feel good all of the time, MOST of the time we come here to work out problems. Be accepting of who she is as a person but be careful about tying your self to her Karma at this Point. My intuition is telling me she is the reason the 12s are popping up. But is also telling me you are going release that stagnation, by not becoming stagnant your self.
You have given great information of the 'I ching'. I do feel the 12's are significant although just my inner intuition has me feel that the 12's were a sign of change for some reason. Possibly 12 months and then a new year, 12 hours and the second half of the day begins and so forth. I greatly appreciate your input on this matter. Blessings, Paul
Why are you asking for so many opinions go with your heart and just talk to her. The outcome may not be what you invisioned but at least you tried. You both sounds like a mess have you every heard of fatal attraction? You both need to heal and rid yourself of the past garbage before you drown in it. Get healthy in mind, body and spirit live in the now forget the past it's gone grab and make your today and future bright. If you project negative tomorrow will be that if you project happiness , solving problems getting your life on track that will be your future. It's time to man up make up your mind and just do it , think before you react use some common sense and don't fall back into old habits and waller in self pity if things don't work out.
Thank you for that kick in the rear... lol! I have asked the opinions because my heart says one thing and my head says others. I felt that if others had experienced anything that might give me guidance, I must ask help in deciphering this situation. Independence, I've learned, is a great thing, but, having the humbleness to ask for help (whether from my fellow creature or from God) is the true path of enlightenment. I realize when I need help and needed no court orders to walk into the rooms of recover 12 years ago. My sponsor has given me sound advice and suggestions, but, I have to understand that although he has many quality years of sobriety, he, like myself, has a mixed up thinker. He suggested strongly that I find her and talk to her and hopefully find in the conversation healing for both of us. But, I am humble enough to ask 'normal' people for suggestions also. And yes, at this jucture in life, I really do need to work on my on body, mind and spirit first and foremost. But, I do still feel that just to speak with her might help begin the healing for her and I as individuals. I am just being cautious. Thank you again and Peace and Love to you. Paul
There is a link called that might help you with this. It talks aabout soulmates

Namaste... I feel energy in this situation that I have rarely felt before. I do treasure the flow of discussion that has come from my original post and for the moment, I'm continuing to work primarily on my personal growth to prepare me for the moment that Tonya and I meet... if that moment is to be. That is in the Creator's hands. I will take what action that I am able, but, her parents have been presented with my avenues of contact and I can only pray that they pass this at the correct time. If it is to be... it will be. I must only prepare myself for the journey to come, no matter what path lies before me.
Blessings and Peace, Paul
Namaste Chewbit....
Thank you for your clarity. Patience is my lesson for the moment. I have learned long ago to not pray for patience for I am still not strong enough to carry the lessons given at times. But, I do pray for guidance. I feel those prayers are being answered through the loving words passed to me by so many. Thank you for your kind thoughts. Peace and Love, Paul
Follow your heart hun, talk to her, only then can you make an informed decision about the future. All good wishes to you. Many Blessings Whitefeather xxx
Thank you Whitefeather....
After much great guidance mostly from this site, I have come to peace with this event. I will allow appropriate time for her parents to follow their hearts and if I have not heard back by then, I will definitely follow thru this time. This has burdened my heart for 28 years and resolution must be sought. I am praying to relieve the guilt burden from my heart, understanding that our pathes had to part for growth on individual levels. This time, I feel I do have enough inner strength to approach Tonya with a clear heart and purity of Love that will allow us to follow our destinies. I have received much insite from members of this group and realize our pathes may part again and also that Tonya may be in such deep sleep that her continued presence in my life may not be healthy for me... but, I will follow thru. Love, Peace and Blessings, Paul
Oh so true. I have a full realization that I have changed and from the little knowledge I have of her that she also is a different person. I do, however, romance the notion that deep down we both have those spirited young people still in our hearts. Through much work in recovery, I have once again learned to recognize my youth and cherish him. I pray that through my strength, experience and hope that Tonya might also break free the bondage of substance and begin to once again live!
We may never walk arm in arm, but, I feel a consuming (rescuing?) need to at least let her know that this can be done. But, looking at her more recent history, she will have a long road to walk. If I can be there at a 'closer' distance as a friend... so be it. I am trying to let go of the guilt and instead understand that we were meant to travel differing roads. With the help of God and the Goddess, I will continue to build my strength and armor so that if the time comes that we do meet, I can face her with the necessary tools to help her.
I cherish each of your kind words and I too hope for a 'fairy tale' ending. Who knows, it might just happen! If so, I will delight in reporting back that outcome. If it doesn't happen, I just pray that I can report back that Tonya is safe in Devine care. Thank you for your kind words. Peace and Love to you, Paul
That's a very interesting story. Let your mind rest and follow your heart. I think you have done what is best for now. My opinion on your story is may or may not be meant for each other in a romantic relationship, but it sounds like you both can learn and possibly help heal each other by your presence and friendship as long as you harm none and stay honest.
For all who might be interested, I must say that the insight that I have been privy to on this site is absolutely uncanny. I was given hope that Tonya and I would meet before Christmas. Barely a month had past and we were in one another's company again. Over and over I was given such clarity and wisdom about the possibilities of this reunion. Deep Forest Woman said it most clearly, “Everyone knows what to do with the tiger, but the man who’s got him by the tail.” Be careful in your prayers! I was given the tiger! ...LOL!! Tonya has turned out to be a really wonderful growth experience for me. I had expected to find this poor creature that had let life really weigh her down and instead, I have been given the company of a ferociously opinionated and obstinate hellion! I may say these things, but I am still having a ball in her company. She has brought me back to the land of the living, but also brought me back to my senses! There is an incredibly strong denial that alcohol has had any negative effect in her life and she still choses to defy family, loved ones and the legal system in her attempts to remain the party girl! Having faced the wonderful world of alcoholism myself, it's easy for me to sit back and watch in humor as she continues to live the fantasy that nobody realizes what she's up to. I am not on a crusade to condemn alcohol, but I do firmly understand that there are certain people like myself that need to let it play no part in their lives. Tonya is the most classic example of one of these people that I've ever met! Denial, justification and resentment are the main forces of thought in her life. It's sad to watch, but since she is being 'guarded' from being too much danger from herself by family and friends, the best I can do is just stand at her side and let her go until she wakes up... if she ever does. I have decided that I will guard my own being and hold to my values, but that I must also let her be her. When sober, she can be fiesty, but when drinking, she can be dangerous! Don't take too much of my rambling with great seriousness, for I am only venting. I still find her to be a wonderfully intelligent, witty, beautiful and energetic being. Alcohol just seems to accentuate many of these traits... especially to the!! Anyhow, wish me luck and pray for clarity on both her and my own part. Thank you all for the support and I will continue to update! Blessing and merriment to all! Paul


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