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Paranormal Restraining Orders

November 5th, 2007 by frankie23

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God getting on your back? Satan won’t stop calling you? David Letterman keeps peering in your windows to watch you change? Keep them away the easy way with a Paranormal Restraining Order. At only $5 a pop, these babies are a steal for sure-fire protection against the above mentioned entities, as well as constant pests like extra-terrestrial visitors, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and even the Grim Reaper himself! Check ‘em out, and tell them Uncle Frank sentcha!

ORDER NOW!

God

Never fear The Lord's wrath again!

"In the fire of his jealousy the whole world will be consumed, for he will make a sudden end of all who live in the earth." ...except you.

ORDER NOW!

Satan

Get thee away from me!

Accused of hexing your neighbors again? Prohibit Satan from whisking you away for a night of debauchery. Never again be accused of consorting and conspiring with him.

ORDER NOW!

Aliens

Leave your tin hat at home without worry!

Are they still tracking you? Get an injunction to remain unprobed and free from their unwanted advances.

ORDER NOW!

Death

Fear not the reaper!

Do you want to live forever? Keep Death from stalking you, with a temporary injunction.

ORDER NOW!

David Letterman

Never be hip-mo-tised by David Letterman again!

Is he sending subliminal messages to you too? Known for his severe mental cruelty and insincere marriage proposals, finally be released from his mental harassment and hammering.

ORDER NOW!

Bigfoot

No longer fear the woods!

Take a hike without harassment.

ORDER NOW!

Loch Ness Monster

Relieve your anxiety while swimming (in fresh-water)!

No longer fear that Nessie will approach within 100 yards again.

ORDER NOW!

Should you get a restraining order?

A restraining order can be a powerful tool to help you keep yourself safe from an abusive paranormal entity, however, it is not your only choice and there are limitations to what a restraining order can do. A restraining order is not right for everyone in every situation and it cannot guarantee your safety.

Making the decision to apply for a restraining order can be very difficult, but it must be your decision. The following lists may help you decide whether a restraining order against a paranormal entity is the right choice for you.

  • Reasons to get a restraining order:
  • It may make you feel more confident because you are taking control of the situation
  • It can encourage authorities to help protect you from the paranormal entity
  • To establish an official record of the abuse and activity
  • To allow you to enjoy activities with less threat of harm
  • Remember, a restraining order cannot guarantee:
  • your personal safety
  • the paranormal entity won't still be able to intimidate or scare you
  • the safety and welfare of your family
  • the paranormal entity will be out of your life
  • the paranormal entity won't destroy property that may be irreplaceable
  • the paranormal entity will seek counseling or other means help

How do you know that you're in an abusive relationship?

It is important to remember that abuse in relationships often starts out fairly mild and then escalates over time. Even if the abuse does not escalate, it is important to remember that no one has the right to abuse you in any way. If you find yourself in a situation where such behaviors are occurring, this may be a warning signal to you that the entity is, or may become, dangerous to you.

  • Signs that you may be in a relationship with an abusive paranormal entity are:
  • You frequently worry about how they will react to things you say or do
  • Your family and friends have warned you about them, or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being
  • You leave and then return to them repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family, and loved ones
  • You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do
  • You may need protection from an abusive paranormal entity if they:
  • Are jealous or possessive toward you (a primary symptom of abusive relationships)
  • Try to control you, often by being very bossy or demanding
  • Try to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships
  • Pressure you sexually, or demand sexual activities you are not comfortable with
  • Have a history of bad relationships
  • Are violent and/or lose their temper quickly
  • Shame, humiliate, or embarrass you, either privately or around family and friends
  • Claim that you are responsible for their emotional state (a criteria for co-dependency)
  • Blame you when they mistreat you
  • Abuse drugs or alcohol

Order Now!

Only $5 each (+$1 S&H)

To receive your Paranormal Restraining Order with your name, simply fill out the information below and submit payment information via Credit Card or Paypal (transactions processed by Paypal).

Tags: Paranormal, Restraining, Satire, Tongue-in-cheek, order

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Replies to This Discussion

LMAO, now this made me laugh...thanks Eugene. I'm always up for a good laugh.
Well it can be wonderful placebo for some people LOL
It can be if someone's dumb enough to pay $5.00 for a placebo, lol.

Have some compassion for superstition. Even if it is funny LOL.

 

Where I am lately I have to smile a lot and say nothing.

Does it come in wallet size ? I'm not always at home ready to flash a document

You are so funny... Eugene. Thank you, and I always thought you would do good in a court of sorts... at least you would make them lough :)

Eugene, here is something for you to think about, since we payed 5 bucks for your services...

if we can't be bothered by all those bad things anymore, after using your service... what can we do with our lives now.

Please be serious this time, if you can.

Krzysztof 

 

Oh we can actually get so much closer to enlightenment by putting fears to rest. In a sense enlightenment is letting LOVE into your life. If you set all  FEAR to rest the love will reveal itself.

I think they were working on it when the deparment of justice wanted to assemble a committee to establish a date to get together and choose the approriate people who can determine a meeting mandate for the actual date needed to hold a meeting in order to determine the best decision makers in government to decide on the legitimacy of a document which in effect denies the very body that is supposed to enforce it.

 

The latter part of this sentence being the noose conundrum that creates the interesting phenomena where it keeps turning back on itself and then reapeat again and again and.........

 

Well....not anytime soon

Well, government personal have many devils, it might just cover it, since it's suppose to put the restraining order satan et al.

hehe thats so much fun... it reminds me of the document circulating around back in communist Poland. It consisted of few columns of words, adjectives, verbs to built the sentence. No matter which combination of words you have chosen from the columns you end up with the sentence that kind of make sense, creating a speech for a politician to carry like 30 hours worth of talk. It all made sense if you can imagine,

kind of speech that you can hear often when one of those clowns speak, yet not say anything. 

Another would be a card that has written words on it... if you want to know what an idiot does every day - turn this card, and on the other side you would have the same thing written. 

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