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Anger: Tale of a Recovering Sociopath

 

Just want to take a minute and introduce myself properly to the group.  I did not always feel like I do today.  I will not bore everyone with too many details, let us just say that my anger was born during my preteen/ teenage years.  Hating the whole concept of "God" and anyone who tried to control me, whether physically or emotionally.  I set off on my path to separate my emotions from my logic decision making process.  I will never be hurt or make a stupid emotional decision again, I told myself. soon as I could I ran, eventually I was living in the streets 5 states away from home, educational to say the least.

 

My 20's I employed my reason and logic skills and spent every opportunity to choke out my weak emotions.  It was easy to do, all it took was intention and practice.  Eventually I realized that there was a flaw with my plan,  all the good feelings like joy, peace, satisfaction, patience, happiness, excitement, adventure....  they were all gone.  I did not take into consideration that I would lose all of them.  I had no idea how to get them back, so my anger and fear multiplied. Panic set in.  I was supposed to be the one in control!!  In my choas I lashed out at everyone, but none more than myself.  I left a terrible wake of hurt people in my desperation to regain my power.

 

I was not alone, oh no, those feelings might have been gone, but they were replaced by anger and fear's many, many siblings.  Rage.  Emptiness.  Bitterness. Scorn. Betrayal. Mistrust. Paranoia. Insecurity. Hate. Rejection. Confusion.....Despair.  They kept me company every waking moment and at night in my dreams as well.

 

I went to the doctors who tried to medicate me and tell me their prognosis.  Sociopath. 

 

Then one Christmas, I broke.  I do not know any other way of describing what I experienced.  I just terrified the entire gathered family at dinner, my rage at the state of my life came to the surface.  I moved into a camper for a month and did not come out.  I had to fix myself for Gabriel's sake, because if not I was going to lay down and die.  

 

Thinking of my son Gabriel, I sat in that damn camper and realized that as a child I experienced the greatest happiness for a while, anyhow.  Life was always an adventure.  When you made a friend as a child,  your whole life became more intense!  As I thought back I realized I wanted to live that again, because I hated the sight of myself now.  I defined what I wanted, I held it in my mind like a solid : I want to live a happy, simple life, in what ever form it chose to present itself.  I created an intention to change myself and heal.  To take back control of my mind and emotions.

 

 I then realized that I really never paid attention to what was going on inside myself.  I was the wolf, my powers of observation were fined tuned from years of survival, nothing happened around me that I was not aware of.  No one could lie to me, except myself.  I turned my observation to my own mind and heart, and thus began my journey to healing.

 

The only way I know to overcome fear/anger is to be conscious in the moment they are upon you, meaning to be aware of the universal truth that without them we would never discover courage or the depth of our inner strength. Breathe through it and let it pass through you in full awareness of what you are experiencing and who you are.  Most importantly, courage is found when fear is faced and action is taken even in the grip of fear. 

 

That personality is very much still there, because we are one and the same.  That is who I am when I exist away from love.  I make the conscious decision to be aware of all my thoughts and emotions, while being aware of the people around me as well.  I choose what thoughts and emotions to feed.  I am in control of this vehicle of experience.  I am not perfect and I do rise and fall on the currents around me, but I will not stop moving, and if I keep my eyes up then I will reach the surface.  

 

In my 30s now, and today my life is that adventure, and I have wonderful friends like you!  

 

                                                                   - David

 

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Comment by Bevely Ann Fox on September 19, 2011 at 11:32
Good post David, Reminds me of one going through the stages of Dante's Divine Comedy. One's private hell, purgatory, the initiation into becoming one with all your other selves.  It is so good to be able to recognize all this within ones self. Liberating to peace and tranquility. Love ya'  Bevely
Comment by David on September 2, 2011 at 13:54
This is so wonderful! everyone sharing and healing! Love! - David
Comment by Rosemary Gabriel on September 1, 2011 at 22:00

David, thank you for your touching story. I am sure you have grown stronger and will continue to grow. No doctor could heal you, YOU healed yourself.

Keep going David.

Blessings, love and light

Rosemary

 

Comment by Dorothy Peer Promiscuo on August 31, 2011 at 20:14
I am so glad you awakened to the real you, David--thank you for sharing yourself and your very touching story with us--Love and Light, always, Dot
Comment by David on August 30, 2011 at 16:10

Thank you all for being so wonderful!  This is my starting point.  One cannot exist apart from love.  It is the very matter that we are, it connects us with everything.  However this is my own personal understanding of love.  Many people do not have the same understanding, so I try to keep it as simple as possible.  It is like being lost in the woods and using the stars to guide your way,  if you focus on love, eventually, even with a limited understanding, you will be heading in the right direction, and will find the path that you laid out for yourself.

 

@ Kristi, I love your last name.  Family is here to help us grow.  Sometimes it is very difficult to be aware that means being our worst enemies at times.  They have such an impact on us because there is so much energy that connects you together, or you would not be have cast them in your story to begin with.  It is good to keep in mind that it is impossible to love someone without the capability to hate them just as strong.  They are two faces of the same energy.

 

My family still teaches me patience through adversity. Those closest to us have a tendency to not notice when we change into someone else.

                         Love! - David

Comment by Aaron Turner on August 30, 2011 at 6:06
I am glad that you David,have come to terms with you meeting self and your emotions which are connected to the feelings of higher self being seperate only brings you back full circle to the truth of who you are.The jounrey only brings you to a higher understanding of your self more so then others. :)
Comment by Nesa on August 30, 2011 at 5:29
Comment by Nesa CA 1 second ago
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@Kristi Wolfe, sounds like you need a big dose of tender lovin, here is a BIG imaginary hug coming your way from me to you. As for being pushed and brainwashed to love what you don't... Don't pretend to be or feel something you are not (leads to dipression and hate?), will only take you away from TRUTH, just Be yourself. Stay genuine and stick with your truth. Even if doing that makes you seem like the BIGGEST Bitch, you stay true. Truth will lead to your happiness and love. Its when we start to listen and act according to how others think we should act or feel that we become insecure and lose our stability and balance.

Comment by Rashida on August 30, 2011 at 4:48

". . . and the truth will set us free. . . "  

how very powerful and healing.  thank you, David!

thank you. thank you.  love, rashida

Comment by Kristi Wolfe on August 30, 2011 at 4:25
Nice, I don't admit how angry I am. It comes up when I see movies like "Marketing Madness" where I remember that I have been pushed and judged and had to develop compassion for ignorance and the abuses brainwashed people who are supposed to love me have and continue to use to JUDGE me.  Still not sure how to "love myself" when so harshly judged by family. The golden rule is real golden when you are the one being treated unfairly. I sure am happy you figured it out so young. I'm fifty and I was so upset yesterday to find a young man who had to avenge his brother's suicide by making his life about exposing the madness of psychiatrists and their drug pushing... which often renders a chemical lobotomy and my elder cousin has been"repaired" beyond function by these frankenmeds.   ACCEPT THAT WE ARE DIFFERENT... he was an Aquarian like me.
Comment by Nesa on August 30, 2011 at 4:24
"fear/anger... be aware of the universal truth that without them we would never discover courage or the depth of our inner strength"
"That personality is very much still there, because we are one and the same.  That is who I am when I exist away from love"

These quotes help me to see from the perspective that all is good/ (God)
And for that I Thank You.

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